Think of a mistake you’ve made recently. Consider a situation where you didn’t perform as well as you had wanted. And if you can, see if you are able to pick up the inner narrative that you offer yourself around these experiences. Maybe you can reflectively recall how you responded to yourself in those moments and afterwards.
What do you offer yourself when you make a mistake or don’t perform well? A supporting narrative or a critical one?
Why does this matter? Your own inner narrative, can be the difference between not only being able to maintain high levels of performance, but also healthy mental wellbeing.
The biggest obstacle to performance excellence is YOU
As a performance psychologist working with high performance athletes and executives, a core part of that role is to guide clients to understanding themselves. Sounds a bit therapeutical, but in reality it really means shining the light of awareness on how you are reacting and responding to certain experiences. Often, in the beginning, it is difficult to do this in the moment, so reflecting on experiences can be crucially important too.
Returning to your mistake or poor performance:
- What feelings or emotions did this evoke? – anger, disappointment, dejection?
- Can you recall the type of narrative that was attached? – critical, harsh, attacking, toxic?
- Do you replay the experience in your mind with the narrative?
Mistakes and the occasional poor performance are inevitable. How you respond is potentially the obstacle that you are putting in the way of performance excellence.
Think again to a mistake or poor performance – How would you react if someone was blaming you? Attacking you verbally? Making you feel guilty? Making you feel shameful? Making you fearful of something? How do you think these would motivate you? – affect your behaviour?
What we know from scientific evidence is that the narratives you offer yourself activate certain areas of the brain. What you say to yourself is directly linked to either threat-based areas, drive/challenge-based areas or areas associated with calm.
So, if you make that mistake or perform poorly, and then you are adding blaming, attacking, shaming, critical narratives, it has the potential to activate threat-based circuits in the brain, and intensify any distress you may already be experiencing. And the way the brain works is that it strengthens circuits that are used repeatedly. You make a mistake or perform poorly – you offer yourself an attacking narrative – you activate threat-based circuits in the brain – it serves you distressing reactions. And with repetition, this gets more hardwired to become your habitual response.
Now, you may be thinking that reacting that way once in a while for big, important events won’t make much difference. Perhaps, not. But do you only reserve that type of self-critical narrative for big events? What about the small things? Responding with critical narratives can become an habitual endeavour, that happens multiple times in your day, resulting in you becoming your own worst friend.
So, your self-created obstacle to performance excellence can become greater and greater.
Making change with the 1%ers – compassionate responding
I have worked with some excessively self-critical people. Very high achievers, yet, hugely unsatisfied and unhappy, largely due to the self-loathing they offer themselves when they don’t live up to their expectations of perfection. And when I begin working with these people, I’m open and honest to say that right now, I can’t change the way you respond to the big, important things that matter. But I can help you change right now to how you respond to the small things that don’t go well.
Take a moment to list some of the many, many small things in a day that may not go quite as well as expected. The small mistakes and failures. Dropping a pen, forgetting your keys, spilling a coffee, missing that train by 20 seconds, etc. And now consider what narratives you offer yourself when these happen.
In the scale of things, these are not hugely important in life, but your narratives may still be as harsh, attacking, critical and self-loathing as the big things. Now, the tough bit is noticing them, because its not nice when you begin to notice you being horrible to yourself. However, stay with it, turn towards it, tune into your experience and what you are saying to yourself.
You can’t initially change that immediate narrative, but by noticing, and turning towards it, it offers you an opportunity to add a new way of responding – with compassion.
These little 1% mistakes and poor performances add up. And what you are training the brain to do is activate in a different way when mistakes and poor performances happen. Over time, repeatedly responding compassionately to these 1%ers accumulates to it becoming a hardwired way of responding – even with the big things in life.
Compassionate responding – becoming your own best friend
The way I describe compassionate responding to clients is to think of becoming your own best friend. I ask them to consider how they would respond to a best friend who has made a mistake, like spilling a coffee and is offering themselves a self-loathing, attacking narrative. I haven’t had one client that has said they would berate them further, saying that they were stupid. Rather, they talk of using supporting words, befriending words, forgiving words, kind words.
And then I ask if they offer that to themselves? The common answer is no. And that’s where we start. Offering yourself that narrative as you would a best friend.
You can turn that the other way too. What would a best friend’s narrative response to you be when they witnessed you making a mistake or a poor performance, and you were berating yourself with loathing and toxic narratives? Supporting, befriending, forgiving, kind?
Self-coaching vs self-criticism: I guide clients to being their own best friend coach. When you make a mistake, see if you can offer yourself the learning point as a supportive coach would. ‘Next time, I’m going to take a moment before placing my coffee cup down. Then I’ll be less likely to spill it.’ Self-criticism doesn’t teach you anything. Self-coaching offers you learning and growth if it comes from a supportive, compassionate response.
Labelling narratives: ‘here’s my angry narrative. My attacking narrative is around. My doubting narrative has arrived.’ This is another way of noticing with awareness but this labelling also has another powerful effect in the brain. It diminishes brain activation in the emotional areas and shifts more brain activation to your executive functioning part. And now that you have activated this conscious managing part of the brain, you are better primed to respond compassionately.
What you are aiming to do is respond to your narratives in a way that is more supporting. You can’t stop a negative narrative, but you can change how you relate to it. And compassionate responding offers you a key way to getting out of your own way and being able to realise your true performance potential.
These are just some suggested ways to begin compassionate responding. And whilst I’m hoping this sparks a small change, remember that guidance from a qualified professional is the best way to make effective change.
Stuart Munro is a performance psychologist and a leading expert in mindfulness psychology in high performance environments. He took his training as a teacher in mindfulness-based cognitive therapy and developed iterations of a high performance mindfulness program working with elite athletes. He now brings this integrated mindfulness psychology and performance psychology program to his elite athlete and corporate executive mental skills training. These 8-sessions can literally transform your life and performance. Contact Stuart for more details about the Munro Performance Empowerment Program™