When you start on a process of change, do you start with an intention and picture the end goal?
- ‘I want to get fit, and I will be slimmer.’
- ‘I want to learn to manage stress, and I’ll perform more effectively.’
What I’ve learned from years of guiding high performance people as a psychologist is to be wary of the success perception. What is this?
- ‘I want to get fit, and I will be slimmer – so I’ll never struggle with my weight again.’
- ‘I want to learn to manage stress, and I’ll perform more effectively – with stress reactions never bothering me again.’
It’s the perception that once you learned the skill, put in the effort to action your intention and realise your goal that it then becomes easy. The success perception would have us believe that we should never experience difficulty again. That could relate to stress, difficult thoughts and emotions, healthy eating, mental health and exercise.
I never like to burst a bubble of what success means but it is important to recognise that success is not about never experiencing difficulty again. In high performance environments, that my clients exist within, stress, pressure, difficulties and demands are inevitable. You will experience negative thoughts and dysfunctional emotions, regardless of how much training you’ve had. The difference is your belief that you can cope with them. In contrast, with the success perception, and belief that these difficult aspects will disappear completely, it means you get distressed when they do arise. And because you believe they shouldn’t be there, your belief, tolerance and perception of control around dealing with that difficulty are all low.
How do high performers learn to build belief that they can deal with difficulty?
When I teach people psychological skills to deal with difficulty, a major factor integrated with it all is belief. And the major skill I ask people to help build belief in their abilities and integrate into their day is of REFLECTION.
- How many times do you think you will have managed a difficult situation well?
- How many times do you think you have reflected on your coping of that difficult experience and the skills that helped you through?
I’m guessing the latter is way smaller than the former. The reflection is so important to update the brain and inform it that you DO have the skills to cope with difficulty and to build your belief in these skills. If you do not already have a high level of belief in being able to deal with difficulty, then you have to BUILD that belief. And you can only build belief by giving your brain evidence. This comes from your reflection.
You may think you can rely on others, a coach, a business leader, a colleague or friend, to provide you with evidence that you’ve coped well with difficulty. Well, you may be waiting a long, long time for those comments. Whereas you can tell yourself every single day.
The added bonus of reflections is that sometimes you don’t deal with difficulty well. But the reflection offers you an added bonus. This is where you can update the brain to inform it of what you learned. So the next time that difficulty arises, you know what to do.
With this daily reflection you also begin to activate an important part of the brain for building belief. This is called your reticular activating system (RAS). When you start reflecting and saying to yourself that the evidence you are giving it to build belief is important, this brain area starts to put more attentional resources to seeing this evidence.
Have you ever wanted to buy something, and then you start seeing people wearing that thing? This is your RAS at work. And it works the same for building belief in abilities. Your initial reflections are tough and effortful. Where did I apply the skills to deal with difficulty? What skills did I use? Keep with it – because once you start outlining what these are and where these are, your brain will automatically start offering the evidence to you.
What can help me with my reflections?
In starting the reflection process have ACCEPTANCE that high performance is still going to have some degree of difficulty. It is going to feel uncomfortable and possibly unpleasant in those moments. Moving away from the success perception means that when difficulty arises its not a surprise and you are more likely to tolerate it.
Reflecting on difficulty often brings a sense of aversion – strong dislike – meaning you don’t want to reflect on it. Embrace the difficulty by giving yourself WILLING CONSENT to approach the difficulty in your reflection. Knowing that it may be uncomfortable, but this will be helpful in the long-term. Offering yourself willing consent to approach and explore difficult reflections in your mind may sound trivial. But think of the emotional difference between being forced to do something and willingly agreeing to do something. This is what you offer yourself.
As best you can, reflect with SELF-COMPASSION. Reflecting on difficult experience with harsh criticism and self-loathing will undermine belief. Learning to respond compassionately in a reflection changes the relationship to that difficulty and builds a belief that you can tolerate it.
Feed the belief
Remember, the key message is that learning skills to deal with difficulty and being able to perform well is NOT about getting rid of difficulty. It will still exist. It is about building belief that you can cope and perform in and around that difficulty.
Feeding the belief comes from science showing that expected success – or belief – of emotional regulation leads to better emotion regulation. The same applies for belief in dealing with difficulty. So, feed yourself affirmations that you can say repeatedly.
I can tolerate difficulty
I can have a sense of control within difficult moments
I can manage my emotions
I believe I can still perform well when difficulty arises
It’s not the difficulties in life that cause you problems. It’s the self-defeating mental stories you tell yourself about them. The inaccurate and false judgments you make about them saying that you will fail.
Do what the top performers do and REFLECT. Offer yourself mental stories of success and feed your belief that regardless of difficulty you can still perform well.